Just another luv note..

     I blushed and smiled cheek to cheek when I typed the blog title.Last night when I was accessing my mails at work, I saw a small two lettered reply to my email, and my heart fluttered.Sometimes, I want to think and be reasonable and  practical and try to think that there has to be something  more practical which makes me feel like that..but can’t reason it, can’t figure it out, love cannot make you so stupid that, just the thought of you being online at the same moment makes me feels closer to you.Is it lame…?? I don’t know, but I wanna feel  happy that such naïve thoughts still exist in me, regardless how old I am growing, regardless the fact that I won’t be in my late twenties anymore..I will be 30 soon, doesn’t change that I am still shy like a teenager who fell in luv with you, and may be at heart I am still a young confused teenager, I know that you say that I  think like an old lady….to you..but I am not :/ ……but I luv u so much..wat ever you think of me.

As we were talking the other day  that thinking  out loud is sometimes gud, this is me thinking out loud about so many pointless things…but I am sure, the moment I will start writing I will forget everything coz I will start reliving the moments spent together and drift away.And I am ok with it.My luv note is like a conversation I have with you, random and sometimes ..mostly it’s meaningful but sometimes it’s random and goes no where, just like this post.I hope this luv note brings out smile on your face.Tell me you are…smiling right now.I wonder what were you doing up so late…..after this line I will have questions and few personal things to say which I would prefer to talk to you or may be inbox you but not on a public post….so I will stop here.

       I re-read the story we were talking about and I realized it was nothing spectacular but it was a cute lil luv story and I smiled by the end of it and my reaction was….” Aaaaww how sweet”  hope that’s the same reaction I get from you.I will try to diversify my writing and try to write about lot of different things…but mostly these stories  will revolve around luv and romance and  some love making, hope u won’t mind   ;) think of me while you read them.

   Be my muse, inspire me, make me strong..and stay strong…luv me and let me luv u

“Yours and could never be anyone else’s...”

I miss you

     

                   I miss you, and I know you are there somewhere. Buried in so many forms of yours sometimes very rarely you peek at me from the shoulder of your other self, crowded by your own forms, you look at me...your eyes meet mine and you get lost in your own crowd.And in those rarest moments when my guy makes an attempt to look into my eyes.I feel seen, My presence in your life is validated.I feel like I am falling in love with you all over again. 

                  It reminds me of those moments when you are close to me , close enough to breathe on to my skin , look into my eyes and stay silent. Your silence is the loudest; it says all those unsaid words, unexpressed emotions. The only thing I want to read is “Love ". Your little eyes filled with so much love for everyone. I wonder if people see the same in you what I see, or is it an intentional act that you show a different person to others, and sometimes you hide yourself from me too. I could see that you are hiding but I don't know what it is, which you are hiding from me.

                  I love the complications involved in love, life and relationships. I wonder how you feel, I wonder how you are coping with that. I cannot talk about it as it causes an irreparable damage. You are fragile and brittle, I do not want to break any piece of you which I cannot put back together.

                  I know that my Love is not enough, sometimes in life we seek much more than "Love".

There are people who are deprived of love and there are people deprived of peace, there are people who live for themselves, there are people who live with own choices and yet unhappy, There are people who live for others, there are people who live with o choices and yet unhappy. There are people who lie on other's choices and try to find happiness, and there are people who lie for others and forget their own happiness.

             I do not know what is important right now , to be able survive , to be able to be happy with what I have , to be able to get a chance to find myself or to be able to let loose myself and put no efforts in finding anything or anybody or even my own self.

            

             Your thoughts  linger , I think , I imagine and at some point I shake myself and say , " that won't happen.." sometimes I feel happy in my own imaginations. Life is not predictable any more, even in the past I used to think that life is unpredictable but everything seemed more definable back then, but not anymore.

             I am in so head over heels for the love of my life and yet I see myself standing nowhere near to him. It doesn't hurt anymore. It's like I was warned about being estranged it's just that the time wasn't declared. Every min, every second spent together is sacred as its part of building memories, building memories is gud, but to start living with them is excruciating. But I know at some point I need to start, it could be tomorrow, it cud be couple of months, it cud be couple of years or much later than that.

          What is satisfying is, that he has made sure that I understand what I mean to him, and I suppose he has a little clue what he means to me. I am assured that the love of my life knows that he means the world to me. And makes sure that I feel loved every single time he looks at me, talks to me, touches me or holds me in silence...I know that he loves me.I am always held with love whenever I need and always.

              

I want it to be " Simple "

       Yes, I like things to be simple and certainly everyone does.It's not out of choice that I think of both sides of an argument.That's what I am , everything is personal and emotional for me and that's why my point of view looks complicated but it's not.Because for me life is all about love , friends are family.Lies scare me to death, they are like ghosts but we all have skeletons in our closets.


      I need to meet people and make friends but I don't need to be emotionally attached to them, how is that possible..??People get married without even knowing if they love each other or not , without even knowing that they may fall out of love later, or there may be no chance for them fall in love at all.


      My best frend asked why do I make things complicated.At this point of life I should be clear about what I think , or about how I see the world but I am not.I see people living under the same roof top who hate each other to the core.I see people living life together coz they have no other option.And this is nothing new, but it took me a while to see this.

    It is really really difficult to believe that life is not always about love , you , your comfort zones , your needs , your choices , your likes or dislikes.The ones who are able to sustain life with a smile on their faces while all the odds of the life are standing right infront of them, are real survivors, fighters , warriors and those are the ones who always get a second chance in life.

    I think and think and I think that reach nowhere by thinking and hence my frend says that I make things complicated.I wish things to be simple too.for me life was categorized in gud and bad ,or  happy and sad , or white  and black.I understands that everything doesn't have to be at extremes  there are middle points.I have accepted that theoretically , have seen people choosing the middle points.It's just I haven't been able to implement that in " my life ".

  It is going to be a slow process for me and  I think I will be able to pull it out.May be with age I might actually accept it and implement it , And I am willing to give it a shot and try to make things simple.

     

     

Freedom

        When I let loose the reins of the past and moved ahead , stepped into a room with a sleepy head opening the door for me and letting me in without even knowing who I was, my life changed .Some how that place seemed untouched by the pollution and heat.The cool breeze of the morning and your reassuring voice by my side was the definition of  my Freedom and still holds good.My Heart beating really fast, panic and excitement both at the same time and a sense of liberation and your soothing voice by my side was  indeed an excellent taste of freedom .

      Sometimes I miss you , I feel bad when I say this when you trying your level best to be with me and yet I say , I miss you.In a very short span of time a lot has changed, you have changed ..I have changed  but the path which we had crossed together had given us beautiful memories.Good times , bad times sometimes they were worst and some are making it worst even now.

    I was amazed that you are still willing to fight , and that made me realize that sub consciously, I had lost the will to fight life.But then when I see you going through such a phase of life, you say that you don't have it in you to fight but your conscious wants you to fight , win and live.I just hope if I get atleast 10% of your courage, I will stop whining about life.

   I am an open book to myself and am not able to comprehend and conclude what exactly I am .I was telling a dear frend that the reason why we cry is that we know the problem and we know the solution , we just don't have the courage to step forward.I very proudly said that we need to create a motive , I created a motive stepped ahead and jumped out of one problem.Now I am clueless of what exactly I want.

    I have a very defined object of affection in my life , and yet my life is uncertain , not because of that object but because of me and remains of my past.Life appears to be running to fast and too slow at the same time.But one thing is sure that a part of me has partially reached to the destination  and some part of me  is still trying to figure out.

     I always knew what I wanted and yet I ended up where I never belonged.And now I don't know what I want but I certainly know what I don't want.I don't know where to go , but I know where not to go.Sometimes it's good to lie in the moment , and I am literally living in the moment.

      All I can say is , I love you and I had always respected and loved the way you have stood by me.I don't wanna loose you.I love you and you mean the world to me

Is it worth Crying over

   Nina started a complete new life,it's but human to feel bad about how bad you have screwed up your life.
But shit happens, at the end of the day if you have a Man who loves you immensely and a frend who knows nothing about who you are and still there for you and pushes you to feel happy about the little good things you have in life, then you are one of the lucky people in world.
    
     It's not about how far away you live from each other , it's about how much  you love each other and  how much are willing to work it out in spite of the hardships which  come your way, life is not easy but when you know that there is someone who will love you forever no matter what, you should give it your best shot.

    And it's not about how long you have been friends , my definition of friendship was murdered by my most beloved girls brutally right in front of my eyes.So right now i am trying to go with the flow and cherish the only friend I have.At the age of 28 when you make friends who are almost your age they have seen some life and not everyone is willing  to share everything.Lesson Learnt hard way, somethings must be only sacred to you never trust anyone more than yourself.I won't call it a mistake but I do trust my Man with my eyes closed .

    We have made promises to each other that we will not let each other go.I feel like am home when I am with him , a feeling which I had been missing since 10 yrs, it's not about the place , it's about the person you wanna live with , share the place and life.It's about that feeling of being secure and taken care of.When he is around everything seems just right, i feel that everything will be fine.

   So, after all thisI question myself  is it worth crying, I wud say NO.I started a new life for good and with the perfect man and with The man I am in love with, it's a little disoriented arrangement of living but till the time we are together , nothing matters , all what matters is I love and he loves me.
   

Love & Life

    Love and life are never simple, or shall I say I have never made them look simple to me or the definition of being simple for me was unrealistic.For me Life was suppose to be a place where things don't back fire, any or every decision made was suppose to be right, but it's not true it holds good only in fairy tales and movies.Life is indeed a fairy tale but certainly with not as fancy as i thought it should be.

    Stuff happens and when they happen you need to have courage to deal with them, you cannot just run away and choose the most convenient and easy way out, personal expereince once you choose the easy way it gets way more complicated than it should be.I can go back and say I should have done this, but too late the foot prints are still there, it's not the sand on the beach , every step you take to move forward is like putting your foot on a wet cement , you have very less time to take it back and smudge it, you gotta think twice, ten times infinite times coz that will leave the trail of foot prints to an unknown destination which could be either good or bad and no one to blame except you.No one cares what situation you were in , what emotional condition you were in coz what's done is done, if you end up in a happy place great, but if you screw up, you screw up bigtime coz the trail of footprints will be there reminding you that gurl it was a wrong decision, you could have done better.No matter how hard you are trying now , you can never forget the past you may come over it, make your present a happy place and future even happier.

   All you need to do is make life is simple, think about future and make today a better past for tomorrow.Think but do not fuck your brain,you can find happiness in smallest and tiniest things.You don't have to set major goal you can take it slow, one song at a time.The best part is I have "the Luv of my life" standing by my side.Again it looks complicated , but i don't wanna think about it , i am willing to take the way it comes, some how deep down inside I know or say I do have slightest clue about  possibilities and I wanna believe that I am ready for it , and that's what is making it look simple.

Imperfect Life

        My complaints about life may seem illogical and unreasonable.But I can't help it,I might be the reason but blaming a decision made @ 17,19,21 year old ( who was brutally sentenced by God to be cut out from her roots and be by herself)  cannot be held as a reason for screwing up your entire life. I took a major decision that doesn't mean that life has come to an end.I want a chance to rethink and figure out to make it  better place.Certainly you haven't made it better, infact you have made it worst.and somehow you made me look like a woman who loves money, complaints might have been monitory but the meaning behind it ,is not.I wish I could somehow make you understand.But it's hard.
           
          I had given up the most precious thing in my life to move on.I had paid  a huge cost and i do not want it to get wasted.Nothing is perfect in life I knew who exactly i was until the series  of unforeseen situations had masked my intellect to even think, made me insecure and made me jump to conclusions and pushed me to take decisions.My decisions had been impuslive,emotionally driven and upto a certain extent selfish, but that's who I am.

      My decisions have been directly or indirectly effected other people's life, those other people meant the world to me and yet i never realized that they did.It was my own insecurity which made me push myself to move on and that was the biggest mistake of my life.do I regret it..?? should I regret it..?? I don't know, I have no clue but what i have learnt in past couple of months is people who care for me have overcome my past which had tored their soul apart, but they are still with me and standing by my side for lifetime, that lifetime is undefined but having them in my life must be my driving force and it's time to embrace my imperfect life and bad decisons and horrible past and move on.I need to become that same old person who knew what exactl she wanted, who knew that no one could hurt her until unless she wanted them to.I was living in a shell and allowed people to hurt me , but not any more.